Friday, November 4, 2011

Eli Manning and the Jerk Test

The poster boy for the jerk test.
Some of you might remember on our very first SOS podcast, Ray and I were having a discussion on quarterbacks. He brought up a very good point when discussing why Tony Romo wasn't having the success many thought he should be. That point was that Tony Romo is just too nice of a guy. He said that if you look at successful NFL QBs a lot of them appear to be jerks, Ben Roethlisberger is the crown jewel of this theorem. I found this fascinating and decided that maybe the "jerk test", as I decided to call it, was a good way of measuring quarterbacks. And to be completely honest when applying the jerk test to many NFL quarterbacks, many of the successful ones pass.

Look at Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, have you ever noticed that whenever he scores he obnoxiously puts an imaginary championship belt on his waist? Doesn't it piss you off but because he's so good you can't say anything about it? Well Packers fans may think this is me ripping on their franchise QB but it's not. It's me saying Rodgers passes my "jerk test" and therefore, will be able to succeed as an NFL QB.

The king of the "F-U".

Not good enough for you? What about Peyton Manning. Doesn't he just ooze of that control freak like jerkyness? That's him passing the jerk test. Tom Brady? Any time you're coach is evil genius Bill Belichick and you participate in running up the score on teams, you probably pass the jerk test. Mike Vick? I think we all know why he passes the jerk test. Phillip Rivers, Cam Newton, Jay Cutler! All guys who on paper pass the jerk test and have had some level of success in the NFL.

So maybe there really is something to this jerk test. Maybe NFL QBs need to be able to have that "F-U" attitude from time to time so they can take total control of their team and let everyone know they're the alpha dog in the room. Maybe they need to show other players on their team and players on the other team not to mess with them. Maybe NFL quarterbacks need to be jerks.

Proving this man is a jerk is no easy task.
After trial and error it just seemed like every great quarterback some way, shape or form had just the right amount of jerk in them. This made me feel great about Ray and my new theory on quarterbacks but made me feel not so great about something else.. My favorite team, the New York Giants, have a quarterback more likely to say "awhh shucks" than "oh s**t!". Eli Manning just seems like a happy go lucky fella who wouldn't hurt a fly! HOW ARE MY GIANTS SUPPOSED TO WIN WHEN THEIR QUARTERBACK IS SO GOSH DARN NICE! On paper it didn't seem like Eli Manning passed the jerk test.. This was very discouraging. But wait a second? He DID lead my Giants to a Super Bowl title not so long ago so maybe there is hope. Than I remembered his draft day in 2004. A day where he was picked by the San Diego Chargers but said he would refuse to play with them and forced his way to my Giants. This gave me hope until I began to fear that maybe his father, Archie Manning, had more to do with this apparent D-bag move than Eli. Archie was always a good NFL quarterback, it's not out of the realm for him to pass the jerk test. All hope seemed to be lost. I was stuck to rooting for a team who's quarterback, by all accounts, seemed to be a great guy. I know, it does't get any worse than that! Then something magical happened. Something I was sure was sent from the heavens themselves down onto me as both a Giants fan and co-inventor of the jerk test! A story about Plaxico Burress being disappointed with Eli Manning for not visiting or communicating with him when he was in prison. These men were partners for years on the Giants and Eli couldn't do so much as to write Plax a letter when he was in jail! What a jerk!! What a beautiful jerk! Yes! Eli manning is a jerk and the proof is all in this yahoo story: Plaxico Burress vents on Eli Manning Tom Coughlin. Now Eli Manning is in the middle of his greatest season to date! Coincidence? I think not, my friend! What an awesome, magnificent, wonderful bastard!

Unfortunately for some fans, their teams aren't as lucky when it comes to having a jerk quarterback as the Giants are. Jerks like Eli Manning don't grow on trees you know! (I am totally loving this.) Teams like the the Falcons, Cowboys and Redskins all have quarterbacks who come up with failing grades on the jerk test, and therefore may be in trouble. Tony Romo, Matt Ryan, John Beck... Grow a pair a piss some people off! Turn over some tables in the locker room! Park in a handicap parking spot ! Do something, ANYTHING to pass the jerk test. I once heard a story about Tony Romo helping people on the side of the road with a broken down car. This should make Cowboy fans sick! This man is not a jerk.

As of now I can't name a current quarterback who is successful and doesn't have a little bit of jerk inside of them. Maybe one day there will be an exception to the rule. Doesn't every rule have an exception? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Can he be the exception to the rule?
But as for now I'm content, because Eli is just enough of a jerk for me.

Class Dismissed,
Student of Sports

PS: Expect the picks up either later today or sometimes tomorrow.

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